


Gentlemen Care Quietly

by HelloHolaHallo



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 12:44:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3729406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloHolaHallo/pseuds/HelloHolaHallo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wanted to pretend Galahad didn't exist, wasn't gone, he wanted to pretend Harry was safe.</p><p>Merlin grieves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gentlemen Care Quietly

**Author's Note:**

> I literally wrote this just now, because I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's kind of sad; I should probably warn you, there isn't a happy ending.

Merlin had always been good at separating himself from his emotions; all good Kingsmen could do this, but he did so particularly well. It was what made him such a good handler. And it was the only way he was holding on right now. He wanted to pretend Galahad didn't exist, wasn't gone, he wanted to pretend Harry was safe. But Harry would want him to be there for his protégé, and Eggsy needed to be told that Harry would approve, that Harry would be proud. And he would have been. 

But every time he looks at this child who wants to be just like his mentor (even more so now that he's gone) all he can see is the Galahad that he'd met so long ago, the person he still loved; and it was killing him. 

The end of the world provided a pretty good distraction while he was caught up in the action, while the clock was ticking and people were dying and he could practically hear the loud action movie music, and if only Harry were here now... 

But then the moment's over and Eggsy is busy and he feels... nothing. No residual adrenaline high; no relief that they did it, that they're alive, that it's over. No crushing despair for those who must surely have been lost before they could stop it. For Harry. Nothing.

He busies himself by contacting Lancelot to distract himself from the uncomfortable unease he feels regarding his apparent apathy. Gentlemen care quietly; but they still care. He tries to ignore his inner handler telling him this is likely a symptom of grief or depression, not his fault, he does care. But he needs to do something about it. Ignore emotion, he tells himself; there's still work to be done.  
**

The kids want to talk about Harry; of course they do, everyone loved him. They didn't get a lot of time with him though; Lancelot barely spoke to him. So after Eggsy has finished telling them all about the Pub Incident (and that's so typical of Harry, Merlin thinks he might cry (he laughs instead)), they turn to him for stories. 

He wants to tell them they weren't close. He wants to tell them they were close. He wants to tell them every single thing Harry ever said to him. He doesn't want to think about anything Harry ever said to anyone.

He settles for telling them about Galahad; that's what they want to hear. That's what they expect to hear. It's what he would have wanted him to tell them.  
** 

Eggsy imitates Harry so well he sometimes forgets he didn't really know him. So Merlin lets Eggsy play Galahad, the Hero version of Harry; he would have liked that. The perfect continuation of his legacy. Sometimes, he wonders if Eggsy would want to know about the Human version of Harry too. The Harry that sleeps beside him in his dreams. He wonders if he should tell him. 

Except... he can't. 

Because what could he say? How do you describe someone you know as well as you know yourself? How do you put a soul into words? How do you describe a relationship that was your life? That's what Harry was, the one thing that he'd allowed to overlap from the many hectic, thrilling, hours at work, to the quiet, peaceful, so few and too brief periods he spent in his flat. The flat he owns but barely lives in, containing only blank walls, basic necessities, a few books, and an almost excessive selection of tea (except you can never have too much tea, as Harry would rightly remind him). 

Because the only time he used to spend there were the very rare moments when he wasn't at work, and Harry was away. (The only reason they didn't live together is that they both valued their privacy, and neither of them wanted to compromise when it came to living arrangements. And, well, neither of them were entirely sure what the rules on fraternisation are, but they were both pretty sure they would be harsher for same-sex couples. That's just how it works.)

What would he even call their relationship? It had never needed defining, they were there for each other. They cared about each other, they loved each other. That was all that had ever mattered. What were they? Partners? Yes. Lovers? Surely. A couple? Not inaccurate. Together worked, too. But while none of those words were false, none of them were terms he was could use. Because they said something about their relationship that wasn't true. They weren't boyfriends. They never had dates. They rarely had sex. They didn't do declarations, or passionate whispers, or last minute i-love-yous. He didn't remember falling in love with Harry, nor would either of them call it that. They just loved, and were loved, and now he's gone and Merlin, for the first time in a long time, is alone.

He's running on empty, acts normal but feels like he's being held together with duct tape and super-glue. He keeps going on sheer willpower, keeps pushing himself, just waiting for that final straw. Because he doesn't know what to do, but break. He wants to take care of the kids, but they can take care of themselves now, and each other, and he doesn't know how to tell them that something is wrong. So he doesn't. 

One day, maybe soon, he'll break.  
Maybe, once he does, he'll finally let go.

**Author's Note:**

> So I originally meant to bring Harry back (because I'm sure he will be? If there's a sequel?), but, I just got caught up in how Merlin would grieve. 
> 
> I wrote this because I've read a lot of fics that have Merlin upset or angry about Harry's death (whether it sticks or not), but few that show him actually grieving, and I wanted to explore what that would be like.
> 
> I'd love comments! What did you think of the type of relationship I gave them? Was Merlin in character? Was it realistic? Do I use too many clauses? 
> 
> Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
